Famous writer Terry Pratchett once said, “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
I wanted to start this article on a light note, because the topic itself is somber enough: your marriage has lost its spark and you’re afraid you’re losing your husband.
Marriage is the pillar in life you’re supposed to rely on. A relationship sturdier than any other.
But there comes a time when you start to feel like two strangers, and your relationship grows cold.
Luckily, this is a normal occurrence and can be mended, if noticed in time.
Today I’d like to suggest twelve easy steps on how to reconnect with your husband.
Identify the problem
Every problem can be traced back to an event, or an emotion caused by the event.
Whether on your own, or together, admit that you’re going through an episode, and work together on finding out where it all began.
This will not only help to figure out the roots of the problem more easily but also strengthen your relationship.
Most importantly, it will give you the will to continue working on your marriage.
Learn to appreciate the silence
One thing we often forget to do is to pull the plug on our overactive brains.
When we’re overstimulated we bring stress into our relationships, putting a strain on already frail connections.
Dropdown onto the bed or sofa, sit back and just enjoy the sound of silence together.
Try not to think about what you have to do in the next minute, hour, or day.
Consider it joint meditation, if you will.
Ask the tough questions
Ask deep, personal questions you haven’t already discussed.
Question him about what he loves about your marriage. What he thinks it should be, and how you two could improve on what you have now.
Ask him about his world view, and if it has changed in the past years.
Forgo mundane everyday questions and get interested in him as a person again. He’ll appreciate it more than you’d expect.
Be as supportive as you can of his endeavors.
And if you start encouraging, then follow through.
No take-backs, no ifs or buts. And especially no I told you so’s if he fails.
Somewhere along the way we lose our capacity to support and encourage, and grow quick to judge and dismiss.
You’re supposed to be partners, not enemies.
Don’t lose perspective
And by that I mean you shouldn’t lose perspective on what’s important.
A real tragedy is to lose someone you love or to grow terminally ill.
Everything else can be overcome one way or another.
If he forgot to do the dishes or didn’t bring home the right groceries, don’t make a big fuss about it.
Let bygones be bygones
Whenever you say you forgive and forgot, do forget about it.
Don’t pull out receipts, or some other evidence of his transgressions, just to shove them in his face at some point in the future.
I can’t stress this enough: you are a team, not enemies.
Mistakes are always being made, and we need to move on past them. God knows you’re not innocent.
Dwelling on what once was will only keep simmering until it gets cancerous for your relationship.
Work on intimacy
This is common enough advice, but it’s never a bad idea to bring it up.
Go on a date, like when you were still fresh together, with your sexiest (or cutest) lingerie on underneath, and surprise him with steamy foreplay at the door when you get back.
Then end the night in the wonderful afterglow as you shower or bathe together.
Or lounge in bed and talk, simply enjoying being there together, in silence, until you both fall asleep.
If silent meditation is not your thing, the two of you can agree to turn off your phones, tablets, and TV for a specific amount of time each day.
You can use the time to talk, or simply sit in silence out on the porch, or terrace.
If all that fails, turn on the radio and play some music you both enjoy.
Be present with each other.
Treat him as a friend
All the most satisfied women say that they were lucky to marry their best friend.
And this is so true.
Infatuation, love and butterflies can and will fade.
But affection, tenderness, trust and reliability last forever.
When you marry your best friend, everything can seem so much easier. But even if your husband isn’t your best friend, you can turn him into one.
Start telling him your dreams, fears, hopes and expectations. Trust in him like you would a friend.
Men know how to appreciate this kind of vulnerability because it inevitably brings you closer together.
Be abundant with your thanks
Thank your husband for every good thing he does.
Don’t take the good things for granted, and only call him out on his mistakes.
We all need validation. To know our actions mean something to someone.
If he does something useful, let him know you are grateful for it.
Acting like you’re two independent singles again will do you good.
Reminiscing on what your old dates were like, and remembering certain events is bound to remind you both of the feelings that brought you together in the first place.
Get started with this great online advice on creative, memorable dates.
Learn to be patient
Change does not happen overnight.
You have to act carefully, methodically, and yet simultaneously try to enjoy yourself.
It will take some time, but if you’re both determined, the results will show.
Unless, however, your problems run deeper than simply growing colder, in which case you’ll have to start with a more assertive approach.
Reconnecting with your husband can be a long and arduous process.
However, the will to fight for your marriage is a great sign that you still believe in the relationship, and want to see it grow.
Try to remain patient and vigilant, both with him and yourself.
You’re both human, after all, and you’re bound to make a few mistakes along the way.